It started back in May 2023, almost 5 months ago...
We moved 4 hours down south from the town we met in, loved, and created a beautiful community with.
Guided by intuition into the unknown...
But first, let me give you the quick backstory.
The timeline starts in November 2022 when our landlords told us they were selling the magical house in the forest we had been living in for 4 years. It was "the cabin in the woods" that us nature lovers yearn for. When we received the news, the house sold in less than a week, but luckily the new owners lived in another state which gave us until May 2023 to find another place.
Sometime between January and February, I woke up one morning with this powerful intuitive guidance telling me that we needed to move to Tucson, Arizona. This is 4 hours south from where we currently were. This meant extreme heat, big city, and desert living.
My partner in life, Tony, is a born and raised Tucsonan, with family and business ties to the area. It seemed like the obvious reason why we were being pulled here. So, he made some calls and before we knew it, the decision was made... we are moving.
The newness of our journey ahead of us was full of excitement and adventure!
But once we arrived, the Universe had a different plan.
Tony's business partnership was delayed and the plans I had created with my two daughters for the summer were ripped from my heart and replaced with more work to support our family.
Our spiritual practices together and separate became nonexistent... I am a fish out of water. My moon practice gone to the point of not even looking up in the sky to see it.
I excessively worry about the safety of my daughters based on what I see in these streets in this city, along with the state of our country.
I find myself questioning all the signs I've ever received from the Universe/Source, and even though I continue seeing them, I find myself screaming inside "WHY"??? Does it even matter any more? What is the meaning in all of this... life, existence, purpose?
I look at images of nebulas out in the Cosmos and think, WHY the F*** am I here??
I have become an empty shell, seemingly filled mostly with the mental chatter of worry and anxiety, teetering between panic attacks and a nervous breakdown.
Dark Night of the Soul
The dark night of the soul is an expression of what appears to be a spiritual crisis.
You see, we give meaning to the life we create, and when that framework of our beliefs is triggered by something that happens, it can cause a collapse on what our mind created and visualized. Depending on the event that may have triggered the collapse, we begin to question everything, including our own reality. In truth, our mind creates all kinds of stories and scenerios, most of which are not true, and this is why the pain exists.
I will share my triggers with you, because its actually a conglomeration of things that happened within a very short time frame, which now I see is what led to the dark night of the soul experience for me. You may resonate with a few of these and hopefully it can begin to explain why you too may be experiencing the dark night of the soul.
My big personal triggers -
- A move or relocation - this is a big deal for most people. Personally I love the experience of the unknown journey, but I realize its only when I think I have control of it. Once we arrived to Tucson, I quickly realized there were things I did not have control over and that initiated my internal pain.
- Financial security - we moved on the premiss that my partner would have this business gig that would not only financially support our family, it would take me out of the career I have been in for over two decades that I loathe. Neither of these happened once we got to Tucson on May 2nd, and still haven't, despite the guarantee he had received. The financial support rests on me, its temporary due to the delay, but nontheless, I feel the heaviness.
- Situations happen differently than the ones your mind created - I created plans to spend the summer exploring Tucson with my daughters, and that never happened. I thought I was going to have more time with my girls, and create this new life for our family. I work more now than I have in 10 years. The anger and resentment I created because of this has grown into a ball of energy within my chest that makes me want to scream every day.
- News about Government and social concerns - I decided last week that I will no longer watch or read anything that is not uplifting my soul. I went down the rabbit hole of the matrix which has only fueled my anxiety and worry about the safety of our family. I want to know what's going on in the world, but I also need to monitor how much I put into my head. This is a big one because all of us are on social media and exposed to mentally and emotionally hurtful material that does not benefit our soul.
There are some smaller triggers but again, because they all happened within the same time frame, it sent me into a downward spiral.
Its important for you to know this one truth though...
this is only temporary.
Thankfully I am aware of important spiritual practices and studies that have helped me realize where I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and how to work within it.
Notice I did not say "get out of it".
With the use of astrology and journaling, this path I am on is showing me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Tucson not only is south of where we were, I am down in the inner workings of my soul. I feel like I am in a lower vibrational place, and I have expressed my feelings of Tucson sucking my life force from my soul. But in truth, Tucson is meant to help me establish a stronger spiritual practice than the one I have had over the past few years. Tucson is helping me become aware of the parts of me that no longer work, so that I can transform into the person I am meant to become.
I have made the decision to not resist the pain of this experience. I will embrace this pain and learn from it.
If you are suffering in the dark night of your own soul, you are not alone. I know its hard to believe this, but you are actually experiencing a transformation and soul elevation. Hold on, not too tightly, allow the pain to exist, and learn from its purpose. In time, you will understand.
Sending love and light to all of you beautiful souls... until next time...